I'm afraid I won't get out alive...

So I just watched a movie and the last scene was the emotional goodbye of a college move-in. As I watched it, I remembered the day I moved in. It was quite emotional and I would give anything to have it all back. The bullshit was at an all time high and I got distracted and lost focus on why I was at Texas State. I was focusing on meeting a guy and being happy, and I thought I had. Then the day before I was going to meet him, he told me that he kissed another guy and it tore me in half. On top of the guy drama, I got a new roommate. He was alright at first but then he started becoming creepy and annoying. He was gay also and always had his boyfriend over. When they were on a break he would expect me to “help him out” I guess, but I never did. I started realizing what kind of person he was, then I met this guy who just by being around him made me happy. The first night I stayed with him, we were talking and realized that he knew my roommate.After talking with him, I fully was aware of what kind of shitty person my roommate truly was. We immediately started coming up with a plan to torture him that way he did my new friend. This became part of what I put my attention to. I started falling for this new guy real fast and things led to him in my bed doing more than sleeping. He was great and I thought we were in the process of blooming an amazing relationship. I came home one weekend and got a call one night from my new friend. He felt bad for what we did because he was hung up on another guy and felt like he was settling for me. He didn’t want to lead me on. I got sick. Literally. I threw up. I didn’t eat for 3 days and if I did it was something small like popcorn or ramen. We became great friends though. We still talk and are cool with each other. Another distraction was being vice president of hall council. It was quite stressful because it took up a lot more time than we all thought it would. We all started feeling like it was a waste of time and soon that’s what it became because none of us wanted to be there. Well things started looking up and the first guy I talked about (the one that tore my heart out and stomped on it) came back into the picture. We finally met and had a one night stand. I felt things when we were together but they soon faded because he changed and I didnt feel the love there anymore so I broke it off after only a week. On top of all my problems, my mom was having a rough time at home. I felt like she needed me because she was never happy and things were going bad with her boyfriend. With everything building up, school became my last priority. Big mistake. My grades dropped and after that I felt like saying Fuck it. There wasn’t any turning back because it was so late in the semester. Two weeks before the semester was over, I dropped out. I was fine with it at first but I regret it a lot lately. Yes, doing that brought me back home to my family but I’m not happy anymore. If I could rewind and do it all again, I definitely would. And I would change some things while I was at it. I feel like a failure. I have a plan but I feel like I’ve let people down, including myself. I hope things go the way I plan and I’m happy with what I’ve chosen to do. But my gut is telling me that I made the biggest mistake and I’m going to regret it. It’s funny, the world is a lot heavier than I thought it would be. And it jumped on my shoulders way too fast after graduation. I just want to feel the happiness I felt the day I moved in. Like someone was proud of me and what I am becoming. I thought I was happy. Funny how something as small as a clip in a movie can make you look at your life and think, what the Fuck happened.

Baby there's a shark in the water :)

Hey hey hey :)
so the past few posts have been depressing, so this one is a happy one :)
I've been in a good mood lately. Some of you know the reason. :D


Anywayyysss... This is my last week at work :D
well technically, i have to work ONE day next week, but whatever :D. lol

Im pretty much more ready than anything to move to San Marcos.
It's gunna be amazing.

Im starting to go to church more often again. Infact, I just submitted a form to be a volunteer (be in the choir) on Sunday mornings at Shoreline.

Im pretty pumped about the praise jam session that me and brooke and mckenzie and possibly barry are going to tomorrow.

Things are starting to fall into place for college. I have yet to have a job waiting on me, but I'm not stressing over it. I think it will be good if I don't have one at least my first semester at least.. but we will see where God leads me.

Im nervous about the whole roommate thing. Even though we technically dont share a room, we just share a bathroom and living room. I know I most likely won't have a problem with him because I get along with 99.9% of all people... so hopefully he wont have a problem with me.

ummm... i think thats it for now... i have a phone call to make ;) lol
nite :D

"Time does not heal, it just helps you learn how to deal"

Death.

what a strong but simple word.

Writing this out is starting to become part of my healing/greiving process.
so here goes;

Everyday, I wake up, get ready , and put my jewelry on.
What does this jewelry cosist of, one might ask.
It consists of my Class of 2010 ring, my silly band bobcat from krista, and my TRK bracelet.

Ever since Trenton went into the hospital, I have thought about him everyday. Yes, that means Trenton has crossed my mind and here lately STAYED on my mind for almost two months straight. WHY?
This is always the question that can never be answered.
Honestly, Trenton and I weren't best of friends. Not yet at least.
We had started communicating more and gotten a little closer, but we weren't best friends which leaves me wondering why he stays on my mind.
My conclusion:
He effected me in a way deeper way than I could ever imagine.

I chose the title of this blog simply because it speaks truth.
It has almost been two months, and the pain is still as strong as it was the day he left us. That shows that time does not heal.

BUT within those two months, I have found ways to help me process through. That is the second part of the title.

If anyone is in this position heres how i deal, if you arent in this position, listen up anyways because you never know when you will be.

My dealing with greif-
1) Visit the gravesite.
2) Talk to them. They are there. Sometimes you can even feel them.
3) Carry out any plans the two of you had made in their honor.
4) CRY. Whenever you feel it coming, dont hold back. Let it out. It's okay to cry.
5) Do things your way, but also do them the way you think they would want you to.
6) Have something to remind you of them for comfort. (ie: the bracelet i wear)
7) Remeber the good times yall had together. Cherish them.

The memories you have with someone that has left are now treasures in the mind for a lifetime.

Honestly, I'm more than ready to be with Trenton. I look forward to leaving life here on earth and experiencing so many greater things in heaven.
I'm not saying that I'm suicidal because that is the most selfish thing anyone could ever think about doing. I'm just saying, When it comes my time (which is hopefully soon) I'm ready to go.

One bad part that brings me down is wonder.
I wonder what we would have done this summer.
I wonder how much more closer we would've gotten.
I wonder how his senior year would've gone.
I wonder where he would've chosen to go to college.
I wonder if he had ever talked about me to someone, just mentioning me or anything.
I wonder if our friendship would've ever been more than a friendship.
I wonder how he would be spending his summer.
I wonder if he wouldve partied with us any this summer.
I just wonder. and it feels like all this wonder and worry is eating me from the inside-out.

Everytime something reminds me that he is not here, the tears start building up. If Im alone, I let them pour. If Im not, I save them and let them pour when I am alone.

Grieving is a process..
a never ending proces.

"If only. Those must be the two most saddest words in the world."

So obviously, I graduated this past June.
Whoop! Class of 2010

So I lay here thinking, I only had one chance at everything- did I do it the way I should have/ wanted to.
Point blank, do I REGRET anything?....

hmmm, Regret..... what exactly does that mean?

re·gret [ri-gret]–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

okay, so do I feel sorrow or remorse for anything I did in high school?

The answer is yes.
That's right, YES.

I regret many things actually. I thought that I had lived by the number one most important rule and "enjoyed the little things" because I knew high school was coming to an end, but now looking back it seems like I didn't.

The number one regret I have is holding a grudge against this one person and hating everything she did. It even killed me a little inside when I realized that she was still breathing. Honestly, hating someone takea A LOT of energy and just thinking about how much I hated her wears me out right now. I regret never looking at the situation from the other side of the glass and realizing how stupid it was. I regret not having a better relationship with this person, because now, after we have graduated I DO realize that it was all stupid and just "high school drama."
So, I apologize. and I know she has to feel the same way, because all throughout our high school career, we were not friends on facebook and not even three weeks after graduation, I had a friend request from her. end of story. its in the past and we can't change it.

Another regret I have is not really being who I really am until my senior year. And to add to it, not really hanging out with my friends and actually going to parties with them until the SECOND semester of my senior year.

I'm sure the longer I lay here I could think of more and more.

I feel like I didn't really live pretty much the last month we were in school.
After Trenton passed away, I kinda just let everything go and threw it all in a corner; everything but what I needed day by day. Thank God I already had graduation invitations and all that bull honky out of the way!
I'm sure I have a whole full other blog about me coping with Trenton's death to come in the future, but for now this is it. It was the hardest three, three and a half weeks of my life.
Shit, it was the hardest week of my life when it actually happened.
Im absolutely, 100% positive that if my bestfriend, Hannah, were not with me at the funeral and through the whole ordeal, I would not have been able to make it.
So, back to regret. I regret not really enjoying myself and living the last month of my high school career, and I regret not getting to know Trenton better, sooner.

In general, I regret lots of things. Im not saying I regret EVERYTHING because there was a lot of good mixed in there, but there are some things that I surprisingly WILL miss. RISD pretty much pissed me off EVERYDAY for a good month before it ended too. and them not letting me speak about Corrine at graduation was totally ridiculous and I have had a lot of positive response to my letter to the editor. They are getting what they deserve now though. A LOT of really good teachers and coaches that did so much more than what their job description said have left the district and Im pretty proud about that.
welp, that its for now...gettin kinda late.
out for now :)

Corrine's Memorial Wreath at Commencement

TRENTON REED KEY

22 March 1992 - 20 May 2010

The past few days were so hard for me. I'm going to put everything down right here and probably shed a few tears while doing it, but here goes;


Monday:

Trenton Key: "...Made out with a hot dog?! Oh my god! That was one time!!"
Comments:
Thomas Merka: That's my favorite movie EVER!
Lisa Lee: i love mean girls lol
Trenton Key: it's my favorite movie of all time ♥
Nathan Starr: ..say crack again.. :)
Rosalia Orozco: CRACKKK
Trenton Key: lmfao! this is so great. i love quotes from that movie ♥
Nathan Starr: Rosalia, idk who you are, but you just gained major cool points in my book :)
Rosalia Orozco: Nathan, I sure am honored lol.
Nathan Starr: you should be....cool points arent easy to come by from me :) haha


Tuesday:

LUNCH TIME

Kristi: My dad just asked me if I knew a boy named Trenton. They said they had to do emergency surgery on him in Bryan.

Nathan: the only Trenton I know is Trenton Key. But he lives in Bryan, they wouldnt have rushed him to Bryan.

Kristi: oh, thats the only Trenton I know too.



AFTER SCHOOL

Nathan: Hey

Aja: Hey, that was Trenton Key that they were talkin about at lunch.

Nathan: Oh, how do you know?

Aja: Cuz I just had Melissa Macks in my last class and she was talkin about it and said she needed to go outside for some air.......they were pretty close huh?

Nathan: Yeah they were...hmm..thats crazy...

7:18 PM

Nathan *opens new message*
Hey. R u okay?
*Send to: Trenton*


REPLY
Trents in the hospital recovering. he went into surgery this morning. It went well. But he wont be able to have visitors for a couple of days


REPLY
ok. Let him know we r thinking about him down here.

REPLY

I will. Thank you.



10:25 PM

Post to Trenton's Wall on Facebook:

Nathan Starr: Trenton! Someone text me back from your phone and said you were doing okay... Hope you have a speedy recovery!!! You are in our prayers :)
Comments:
Lena Beaner: That would be me. Anyone who needs to know about him text me bc I have the updates
Nathan Starr: whats your number?
Lena Beaner: Just text his phone ill be having it until he's well enough to use it.
Nathan Starr: alrighty. thanks



Wednesday:

Nathan: *new message*
How's he doin today?
*send to Trenton*

REPLY

Trent is doing much better. He was talking but barely more like mumbaling. No one can really go see him for a while and he'll be there for the most weeks but may be days. He's breathing on his own now. He half smiled at his parents and brother. He sleeps a lot which means he's healing well. He's getting much better, thank you all for the prayers. keep praying for him to get better

REPLY
thanks for the update! :)

REPLY
np



10:53 PM

Post to Facebook

Nathan Starr: long day tomorrow...starting at 5:30..... yay?...


Thursday:

Mom has surgery and all goes well. back home around 2pm.

take a nap, eat dinner.

*Text Recieved*
Brooke : did Trenton pass away?

REPLY
not that I know of why!!??

Log-on to Facebook

4:30 PM

AjaBolivia: cannot believe that this happened, one day you're talking to someone and the next they're gone. RIP Trenton.

Nathan: wtf..?...what happened?

Aja: idk. he passed away today

Nathan: no, he couldnt have. who told you that??

Aja: Kristi and Trentons aunt/cousin

Nathan: WTF.... :'(

-in shock and crying-

*Post to Trentons Wall*
5:13 PM

Trenton,
I'm in shock and don't understand how something like this could happen to such an amazing person. You were funny and always happy and there to kick anyones ass that hurt any of your friends. You're in a better place, but I will never forget you. I love you man! :) RIP ♥


Post to Profile on Facebook
10:46 PM

Nathan Starr When I said today was going to be long, I never would've imagined this long! R.I.P. Trenton. Love ya buddy!

Friday:


Post to facebook profile:
10:45 AM

is ready for this day to be over. RIP Trenton.

-wake up, cry myself to sleep. wake up cry again. go to school for the trainers thing at the hospital at 2 PM-

-see Melissa and Whitney. Find out Arrangements. Go to work. come home. cry more.-


Saturday:

-Work, shopping for purple shirt and yellow tie for Trenton's funeral, home, family gathering, cry, make bracelets, cry, pack bag for Sunday-

Sunday:

-Church, eat with grandparents for lunch, get graduation robe, attend baccalaret service, pick-up Melissa,Skylar, Hannah, and Bella, head to Bryan, go to Trenton's visitation, Meet Luis, take Melissa to Wal-Mart, Get ready for Monday, go to sleep.-





Today (Monday) :
Wake-up and get ready, go to Central Baptist Church for funeral service.

Beautiful service centralized in purple and yellow, TRK's favorite colors.

for some reason I was pretty stable until the last preacher dismissed and the slideshow of photos started playing again. After I saw the first picture, I lost it. I cried as people walked past me to view the body one last time, I cried as Hannah held me tight and we walked past our pal one last time, I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't stand anymore. i found a chair and sat down and cried. I just let it pour out. It hurt so much knowing that all the plans we had made for this coming summer would not be totally carried out, because he wouldn't be there. It hurt so much to know that he's not there to talk to when times get tough or people are ridiculous. I got myself together, walked to the entrance and started looking at his life in pictures, and cried again.
I got in my car, started it up, and lost it again. I could not drive. Hannah took charge of the wheel. We went to McDonalds so I could get a drink to take my medicine. Everyone else ate, but i could barley get my sprite down. I had wrapped my emotions up a little and went ahead and drove home.

Hannah didnt want to go to the graveside service so I dropped her off and then we went to pick Rachel up and headed to Blackjack for the final service.
It was hot, but the wind was blowing and for a second, time stood still. we said our last goodbyes and I could see that Oscar was hurting so bad. I introduced myself and gave him a hug. After that we went to First Baptist Church to have some refreshments and to converse for a while. That was the end of it.


Facebook Post to Profile:

Nathan Starr: I have never cried as much as I did today. But now that you're at rest and I have a little bit of closure, the tears that are sure to come will be of happy memories and knowing that you are having the time of your life right now. love ya trenton!



Trenton, you are gone but not forotten. We love you so much and we are glad we were able to have you in our lives for the time that we did. Rest in Peace. We'll be seeing you soon buddy! Dance it up in heaven and watch over us. :)






This is one of the songs that was sang at his service. It's really pretty, but the guy that did it was better than this video.

EVERYTIME I CLOSE MY EYES

WOW! I have not been on here in almost two months!

The rest of March went well. :)

April was pretty eventful! I had UIL and Prom

Pics will be posted later...or matter of fact, you can find them on my facebook which is linked at the top.

Its May!

This year has gone by SO fast. and even though i seem like a hard ass that is ready to get out of here, im actually pretty scared and want it to slow down now.

Graduation is going to be bittersweet. Im glad we are getting out of Rockdale, but at the same time, I am NOT ready to say goodbye to people I have seen five days every week for 13 years... ya know?

Anyways... There's been some good music released lately...

i just added 37 songs to my iTunes library. :D

Arlington will be more and more familiar to me in the coming weeks.. I spent last Thursday thru yesterday (Sunday) there.. My "sisters" nana is in Arlington Memorial so we were there...and we are probably going back this weekend..

tomorrow we have the athletic banquet... pretty ready to get that over with...

Financial Aid is kind of stressing me out.
I haven't received any yet.... FEAK OUT MODE!!!

anyways...just a quick update!

Nathan Out

Ketchup :)

SOOO. sorry I havent been on. this is what I've been up to. :)

Friday- slept til 11. ran some errands. went to school. and then work that night.

Saturday- I taught myself how to play Boston by Augustana on the piano.
I also learned the first part of:

Ill be there- Michael Jackson/ Jackson 5
It ends tonight- All American Rejects
one of Lady GaGa's songs...

then i laid around the house ALL day :)


Megan came to my house and we got ready for the night. :D



First we went to Morgan's Mom's birthday party.......




Then we went to Bobbi's and...had a little fun..(thats the least I can say)




so yeah...thats about it for Saturday. We spent the night at Bobbi's and woke up Sunday to a sunrise. then a dog. then bobbi's mom on the phone. lmao. yeah...didnt feel like getting up. haha

So SUNDAY megan and myself just chilled pretty much.

We went to our bestfriend Hannah's, house to play rock band 2 and help her pack.

shes gone to see her boyfriend. and I miss her dearly.

Monday mother and I went to College Station and watched Valentine's Day.
It was pretty amazing.
I knew some of what was going to happen thanks to Brookes blog. haha. but who Julia Roberts ended up with was a total twist!!
I definitely recomend the movie!




Thats pretty much all i did Monday. I wanted to go to the mall but didnt feel like it after we saw the movie. haha

Yesterday I had to work at Medicine Chest. It was actually pretty fun. BUT i do have to say that I was getting a bit crazy...lol...I have never had to work that long there before.haha. I am definitely use to my 2 hour shifts.haha..

Mom and I ate Subway...but ended up throwing like 1/2 of both of our sandwiches away because we were full. lol

I sat down and worked on my Research Paper...didnt get much done though.......
thats pretty much the ketchup of my life. Not much :) haha

ALL THE LOVE FOR SPRING BREAK!


Quote of yesterday: "You make me want to suck a God damn lemon!" - Mom lmao


Song of the week: Drop the World by Lil Wayne ft Eminem
VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.



yeah, thats about it :) Party tonight, work tomorrow then softball game :)

Havin a pretty darn good Spring Break :D

Out for now. :D

Nathan