Death.
what a strong but simple word.
Writing this out is starting to become part of my healing/greiving process.
so here goes;
Everyday, I wake up, get ready , and put my jewelry on.
What does this jewelry cosist of, one might ask.
It consists of my Class of 2010 ring, my silly band bobcat from krista, and my TRK bracelet.
Ever since Trenton went into the hospital, I have thought about him everyday. Yes, that means Trenton has crossed my mind and here lately STAYED on my mind for almost two months straight. WHY?
This is always the question that can never be answered.
Honestly, Trenton and I weren't best of friends. Not yet at least.
We had started communicating more and gotten a little closer, but we weren't best friends which leaves me wondering why he stays on my mind.
My conclusion:
He effected me in a way deeper way than I could ever imagine.
I chose the title of this blog simply because it speaks truth.
It has almost been two months, and the pain is still as strong as it was the day he left us. That shows that time does not heal.
BUT within those two months, I have found ways to help me process through. That is the second part of the title.
If anyone is in this position heres how i deal, if you arent in this position, listen up anyways because you never know when you will be.
My dealing with greif-
1) Visit the gravesite.
2) Talk to them. They are there. Sometimes you can even feel them.
3) Carry out any plans the two of you had made in their honor.
4) CRY. Whenever you feel it coming, dont hold back. Let it out. It's okay to cry.
5) Do things your way, but also do them the way you think they would want you to.
6) Have something to remind you of them for comfort. (ie: the bracelet i wear)
7) Remeber the good times yall had together. Cherish them.
The memories you have with someone that has left are now treasures in the mind for a lifetime.
Honestly, I'm more than ready to be with Trenton. I look forward to leaving life here on earth and experiencing so many greater things in heaven.
I'm not saying that I'm suicidal because that is the most selfish thing anyone could ever think about doing. I'm just saying, When it comes my time (which is hopefully soon) I'm ready to go.
One bad part that brings me down is wonder.
I wonder what we would have done this summer.
I wonder how much more closer we would've gotten.
I wonder how his senior year would've gone.
I wonder where he would've chosen to go to college.
I wonder if he had ever talked about me to someone, just mentioning me or anything.
I wonder if our friendship would've ever been more than a friendship.
I wonder how he would be spending his summer.
I wonder if he wouldve partied with us any this summer.
I just wonder. and it feels like all this wonder and worry is eating me from the inside-out.
Everytime something reminds me that he is not here, the tears start building up. If Im alone, I let them pour. If Im not, I save them and let them pour when I am alone.
Grieving is a process..
a never ending proces.
01 July 2010
"If only. Those must be the two most saddest words in the world."
So obviously, I graduated this past June.
Whoop! Class of 2010
So I lay here thinking, I only had one chance at everything- did I do it the way I should have/ wanted to.
Point blank, do I REGRET anything?....
hmmm, Regret..... what exactly does that mean?
re·gret [ri-gret]–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
okay, so do I feel sorrow or remorse for anything I did in high school?
The answer is yes.
That's right, YES.
I regret many things actually. I thought that I had lived by the number one most important rule and "enjoyed the little things" because I knew high school was coming to an end, but now looking back it seems like I didn't.
The number one regret I have is holding a grudge against this one person and hating everything she did. It even killed me a little inside when I realized that she was still breathing. Honestly, hating someone takea A LOT of energy and just thinking about how much I hated her wears me out right now. I regret never looking at the situation from the other side of the glass and realizing how stupid it was. I regret not having a better relationship with this person, because now, after we have graduated I DO realize that it was all stupid and just "high school drama."
So, I apologize. and I know she has to feel the same way, because all throughout our high school career, we were not friends on facebook and not even three weeks after graduation, I had a friend request from her. end of story. its in the past and we can't change it.
Another regret I have is not really being who I really am until my senior year. And to add to it, not really hanging out with my friends and actually going to parties with them until the SECOND semester of my senior year.
I'm sure the longer I lay here I could think of more and more.
I feel like I didn't really live pretty much the last month we were in school.
After Trenton passed away, I kinda just let everything go and threw it all in a corner; everything but what I needed day by day. Thank God I already had graduation invitations and all that bull honky out of the way!
I'm sure I have a whole full other blog about me coping with Trenton's death to come in the future, but for now this is it. It was the hardest three, three and a half weeks of my life.
Shit, it was the hardest week of my life when it actually happened.
Im absolutely, 100% positive that if my bestfriend, Hannah, were not with me at the funeral and through the whole ordeal, I would not have been able to make it.
So, back to regret. I regret not really enjoying myself and living the last month of my high school career, and I regret not getting to know Trenton better, sooner.
In general, I regret lots of things. Im not saying I regret EVERYTHING because there was a lot of good mixed in there, but there are some things that I surprisingly WILL miss. RISD pretty much pissed me off EVERYDAY for a good month before it ended too. and them not letting me speak about Corrine at graduation was totally ridiculous and I have had a lot of positive response to my letter to the editor. They are getting what they deserve now though. A LOT of really good teachers and coaches that did so much more than what their job description said have left the district and Im pretty proud about that.
welp, that its for now...gettin kinda late.
out for now :)
Corrine's Memorial Wreath at Commencement
Whoop! Class of 2010
So I lay here thinking, I only had one chance at everything- did I do it the way I should have/ wanted to.
Point blank, do I REGRET anything?....
hmmm, Regret..... what exactly does that mean?
re·gret [ri-gret]–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.
okay, so do I feel sorrow or remorse for anything I did in high school?
The answer is yes.
That's right, YES.
I regret many things actually. I thought that I had lived by the number one most important rule and "enjoyed the little things" because I knew high school was coming to an end, but now looking back it seems like I didn't.
The number one regret I have is holding a grudge against this one person and hating everything she did. It even killed me a little inside when I realized that she was still breathing. Honestly, hating someone takea A LOT of energy and just thinking about how much I hated her wears me out right now. I regret never looking at the situation from the other side of the glass and realizing how stupid it was. I regret not having a better relationship with this person, because now, after we have graduated I DO realize that it was all stupid and just "high school drama."
So, I apologize. and I know she has to feel the same way, because all throughout our high school career, we were not friends on facebook and not even three weeks after graduation, I had a friend request from her. end of story. its in the past and we can't change it.
Another regret I have is not really being who I really am until my senior year. And to add to it, not really hanging out with my friends and actually going to parties with them until the SECOND semester of my senior year.
I'm sure the longer I lay here I could think of more and more.
I feel like I didn't really live pretty much the last month we were in school.
After Trenton passed away, I kinda just let everything go and threw it all in a corner; everything but what I needed day by day. Thank God I already had graduation invitations and all that bull honky out of the way!
I'm sure I have a whole full other blog about me coping with Trenton's death to come in the future, but for now this is it. It was the hardest three, three and a half weeks of my life.
Shit, it was the hardest week of my life when it actually happened.
Im absolutely, 100% positive that if my bestfriend, Hannah, were not with me at the funeral and through the whole ordeal, I would not have been able to make it.
So, back to regret. I regret not really enjoying myself and living the last month of my high school career, and I regret not getting to know Trenton better, sooner.
In general, I regret lots of things. Im not saying I regret EVERYTHING because there was a lot of good mixed in there, but there are some things that I surprisingly WILL miss. RISD pretty much pissed me off EVERYDAY for a good month before it ended too. and them not letting me speak about Corrine at graduation was totally ridiculous and I have had a lot of positive response to my letter to the editor. They are getting what they deserve now though. A LOT of really good teachers and coaches that did so much more than what their job description said have left the district and Im pretty proud about that.
welp, that its for now...gettin kinda late.
out for now :)
Corrine's Memorial Wreath at Commencement
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